Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
