3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
