I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
