I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
