Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My vagina is very pro this idea
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
