Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
