think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
