we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
