So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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