I cut my penus on the lid.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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