I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
