I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
