God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
