I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
