Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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