Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i dont even know how to be here
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
