I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
