Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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