im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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