Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
