I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
