Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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