I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
