My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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