don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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