I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
