so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
