Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
