I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
