Already got asked if we're dating
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
