My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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