I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
