we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
