that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
