This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
