What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
