how can u be prego again
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
