you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
