did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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