the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I skipped work to stalk him.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
