I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
