Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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