my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
