This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
