I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
