A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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