My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
