Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
