True but thats because hes a fetus.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
