whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
That's when you crack a 10am beer
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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